Today I had one of those --God help us all, she is psycho moments!
I tried to give the man I desire/ have feelings for an easy out. I opened the door and even gave him a healthy shove (not literally but almost)
Yesterday, I went in to self-reservation mode. I felt the need to protect my heart, which meant getting rid of him before he has the opportunity to get rid of me.
My fear and inhibition was running rampant, and I could not get the voice that was eeking in the back of my head "just do it… break it off"
So I called my best friend told him what I was thinking … Said I could no longer handle this man who is too nice to me, that I liked him too much and I needed him to go away."
The thing I LOVE about gay men is there extreme honesty and their not taking your side even tho they are YOUR friend. He just said "Wow that is a really bitchy thing to do"
" I was beyond reason… said "well that is how it is. I am not feeling safe. I have been to reckless letting it get as far as it has."
Headdstrong.. Stubborn.. Single-minded to the point of recklessness… that is me the dark twin. I am all of the moods that the light twin is not.
Brave is not one of those commonalities that I exude. So I got home I instant messaged him. Took the chicken-shit route. Easy, when it is not face to face, he can't yell at me. So I lay it all on the line.
I like you too much, You are too nice to me, I don't deserve it. Go AWAY! Well I used other words that sort of sounded nicer. Although I am not sure how rejection can be nice.
My phone rings, and I refuse to answer. I know it is him. Wanting to talk it out. Wanting to know what has happened in the last two hours to send me into this spiral of self-doubt.
I turn the ringer off and ignore the blinking light… telling me, that he is calling.
I look at the computer screen and it says "pick up your phone"
I typed back NO.
I didn't want a confrontation. I wanted him to just do what all of the other men in my life do. LEAVE.
Again… "pick up the phone"
And again.. I flatly refused, saying I don't want to talk.
To which he said he would just write what he had to say and I could accept or reject it.
Telling me that he knew that I was in a vulnerable sopot. He knew that I was hurting. Knew the emotional abuse--the neglect that my ex so frequently distributed. Knew my fear. Says he is willing to be patient with me. He wants to be my friend forever, not a rebound for five minutes. That I deserve to be cared for, wanted, and desired. That he was stubborn and the harder I try to push him away the harder he would dig in and wait for me to stop pushing. That when I want to run away he would hold me close until I was still and at peace.
That He knows the real reason is, that I am scared of falling too fast and too hard (in love), and that he promises not to be the brick wall I hit at the bottom of a relationship. He won't let me crash. That I need to learn to trust him. and I am crying because I know that part of this man loves me. He sees through all of my bullshit and excuses, sees through my fear and pain and is even and steady while I am high-strung and terrified.
And then "now pick up your phone"
Which I did reluctantly.
My tears started to flow then just hearing his voice. I felt stupid for wanting to hurt rather than be hurt. I felt guilty for attempting to reject this man who is so wonderful. How can someone be so completely screwed up? I suppose it is the mind-fuck that my ex has been putting on me since day one of meeting him.
So I apologize , to the one I want the one I desire.. The one I have fallen so completely for, but am too afraid to admit it because it is too soon. I agree to trust him. To relax, I do trust him. With everything but my heart.
When do I let myself throw caution to the wind and run with abandon to him and let him have it (my heart)? How can I give my body to someone and not trust them with this small part of me? He has gained the best friend approval. The best-friend favor. The best friend says this is one of the few rare men. A genuine one, the one you don't let go of.
I don't believe that anything "just happens" . There is a purpose to everything that happens in our lives. He is agnostic, I am a believer. But, when it comes to the relationship thing I don't know if I am agnostic or athiest.
I had put together a package for him, that I was sending off today. It included some homemade cookies, a letter, a cd and a cell phone that we can talk for free. Not a big gesture, It is an extra I am already paying for. And with him being out of town right now, free is good., In the letter I had written 4 days ago, I said " you know, I think God put you in my path for a reason. I am not sure what that reason is, but I guess that I can accept it. "
In our conversation last nite, Mr.agnostic says, You know, DT, You need to relax, I think a higher power put you in my path, I am not sure what reason, but I think we need to just accept it and take it from here"
After I was able to close my mouth from surprise, I said " oh, my heck, how did you know about that?" I didn't bother to explain, except to tell him that when He gets ihis package that the letter was written 4 days prrior to our talk.
Am I sold on this relationship, NO. Not particularly. Do I want to believe that I am worthy of this man… yes. But it is hard.
When do I quit self-sabotaging myself and learn to just take it as it is. I am not sure. But I am willing to give this a try for now. Lucky for me this man is stobborn and cares so much about me. Otherwise I would be writing at how much I missed lover, How much I needed him, but could not allow myself to continue. All that lover's lament crap that gets so boring. Well there will be no lamentations today, I will be posting more love letters to this man, the one I need, the one who wants and desires me, the one who is willling to go the extra mile for a woman who does not deserve it.
Caution to the wind.. No, But I am willing to put the kite up with a string attached. Perhaps I won't need the string soon enough, but for now, the safety of that string is keeping me sane.
